Meow! Roxie here. Before you continue, Gentle Reader, I need to warn you: this post is not for everyone. If you have an uncontrollable gag reflex, if you’re squeamish, if you tend to get queasy easily, I strongly suggest you wait to read this on an empty stomach. What I have to tell you is not pretty. Actually, it’s pretty ugly, but it must be told.
I’ve been subjected to cruel and unusual punishment at the hands of my little sister. You know her as ZuZu, the cute, charming tabby from A Berkshire Tale; the little kitty who refuses to eat chicken because some of her best friends are hens. Well, NEWS FLASH! She doesn’t need to eat poultry because her belly is literally chock full of bugs! Bugs, I tell you! Ants, Flies, Spiders, Grasshoppers, Beetles, Moths, Mosquitos, Caterpillars, Crickets, Millipedes, Centipedes, Gnats! The list is endless. ZuZu will eat any crawling, flying, resting, mating, hopping, sleeping, pollinating, limping insect. Yes, limping! She shows no pity. No insect is exempt from her cruelty. Simply put, she has an unquenchable blood lust.
Just this afternoon, we were spending some quality family time in the gazebo. I was resting in my special chair. Mom was working on her book. Dad was reading the newspaper. The radio was tuned to a Yankee’s game. They were winning. Dad was happy. Everything was copacetic until ZuZu looked up suddenly, like she’d seen an apparition. She bolted from her perch on the settee, dug her claws into the screen, climbed up to the top, swatted a bug to the floor and proceeded to chomp off its head. She decapitated the poor, helpless creature! The crunching of its tiny body parts in her mouth resonated out into the surrounding woods. Oh, the horror! But wait, it gets worse. Just a few seconds later, as I sat traumatized, she serenely listened to a grasshopper singing a lovely little tune to its mate only to pounce mid-chirp, swallowing it whole and licking her paws with relish! I mean, during a mating song! Is nothing sacred?
And nobody did anything to stop the carnage! Dad kept reading and Mom was the worst. She encouraged this abhorrent behavior by cooing at her darling,”OOOOOOO, what a cute widdle baby ooo is! Did that nasty, bug frighten my iddy, biddy sweetie pie?” Then she scratched behind little sweetie pie’s ears and even kissed her! On the mouth! Does that woman even care where that mouth has been?
Think about how gross this is to witness on a daily basis! I told you it wasn’t going to be a pretty tale. I’m sorry to burden you with all of this. But if your family does nothing to help, then the only thing you have left is to rely on the kindness of strangers. And I live with these atrocities going on around me every minute! I’m a captive audience; “captive” being the key word here. Surely someone out there in blog land has a basic knowledge of the legalities involved. Was this addressed at the Geneva Conference? Is there some cat treaty somewhere regarding the inhumane treatment of captive cats? Please send me any info you can find, especially if it involves arresting sadistic little felines and locking them up far away from their fawning, enabling mothers.
I’ll be at the computer every day from 2AM to 4AM and I’ll make sure to destroy any missives right after I read them. I’ve used the delete key quite a bit lately having developed an aversion to any further stories perpetuating the misrepresentation of ZuZu as a sweet, cuddly, little kitty. Lies, lies! Damned lies! That tabby is a sociopath!
Don’t worry. No one will ever be aware of your complicity in saving me from my plight. As a bonus incentive, if you include your address, I’ll share any mice I find. A 60/40 split, like Mom’s book commissions.
Just to be clear – I get the biggest half. A girl’s gotta eat, ya know.