Hi! Roxie here with the latest update on me and my world. Things are much more organized around the house now that the kitchen is painted and everything has been put back in place. It was really annoying to have to
knock off reposition things stacked on the counters and dining room table in order to get the best vantage point for supervising all the unpacking and the cleaning and the painting. I managed to settle in for a while until Mom yelled “Roxie, Dammit, get out of that cupboard!”
Sometimes I get the feeling my special talents and valuable input go totally unappreciated around here.
Just the other day I was examining the angels displayed on the mantle. I noticed something kind of creepy – they had no faces! No eyes, no noses, no mouths! Now, I ask you, who would give someone an unfinished gift? So, I figured I’d remedy the situation.
I placed one of them on the floor. It wasn’t put together very well. I decided to give the poor thing some eyes and went in search of a magic marker. A while later I heard Mom hollering “Roxie, Dammit!” I came running and found her standing there, hands on hips, looking at me, looking at the headless, faceless angel; looking back at me; looking back at the angel. It must have just dawned on her that someone had given her defective angels. I gave her my best “I feel your pain” face. To my utter amazement, the following words came out of her mouth: “Did you do this?” I was speechless! Meeeyute! I would never give her an unfinished gift. Why, every mouse head I’ve ever dropped at her feet had the eyes still in its head; the garter snake I found her a few weeks ago – still warm and wriggling! Every fur ball I’ve ever hacked up for that woman is a completely selfless work of art. Her behavior was totally unacceptable. I left the room in disgust. Let her come find me when she was ready to apologize.
While I was waiting, ZuZu showed up. She wanted to play. Under the circumstances, I was not in the mood. Yet, she persisted. So, I relented and taught her a new game,
whack-a-cat patty-cake. She was terrible at it and ran to the dining room to sulk.
A little while later I heard Mom calling, “Roxie, Dammit”, and went to graciously accept her apology. I have an incredibly forgiving nature. You need to in a place like this. I found her comforting Little Snookums who was putting on quite an act. “Roxie, Dammit, have you been poking ZuZu in the eye again?” Now, I ask you, what kind of question is that? Why does that woman immediately jump to the conclusion I’m the cause of every catastrophe ?” If I were an alpaca, I’d have spit! Her “iddy biddy baby kiddy” easily could have bumped into the edge of the coffee table. I’d love to tell her, “Get the whiner an eye patch and she can pretend she’s a pirate!” Besides, the child has two eyes, doesn’t she? Not like those poor angels on the mantle. Where are the priorities around this house?
Last night, I overheard Mom talking to Dad about her latest ZuZu story, ZuZu Solves a Mystery. Now, the real mystery to me is how that girl survived under a barn before Mom came along. Then the conversation got interesting. They started talking about what title I’d choose for my life story. Mom said, with my cattitude, anything with “Great” or “Magnificent” in the title would work. Sounded fine to me until she suggested The Great Catsby, Great False Expectations, The Greatest Cat Story Ever Told, Magnificent Obstruction. She has a real sarcastic edge to her. And does she really think I’d use a recycled title? Dad said I’d probably just prefer to have my name on the cover in the largest font possible. That man can read my mind. We’re Kindred Spirits. He’s awesomely brilliant!
If I can convince Mom to take a break from the ZuZu Stories and the South County Mystery that seems to be taking her forever to write, I could get at the computer. My autobiography is destined for greatness. I’ve already designed the cover – my gorgeous face on a simple background with my name in shades of gray. Awesome, if I do say so myself!
ROXIE aka THE OTHER CAT
BY ROXIE DAMMIT
Look out world! New York Times Bestseller List, make room at the top ‘cuz here I am!