Roxie here. I haven’t posted in quite sometime because The Powers That Be (you know who I’m talking about) has been very stingy with the laptop to the point of total self-absorption. She types and types, using up all the charge so, I’ve yet to see one cat video in weeks! And we could have used a few laughs around here. Believe me!
November was not a good month at all. The television in the prison recreation room was on all hours of the day and night for the first two weeks and The Warden, aka Mom, spent a lot of time screaming at the pumpkin-face man inside the box. I tried to tell her, “He can’t hear you,” but as we all know, that woman never listens to me. Thick!
After one particularly loud rant in the early hours of the morning, it got eerily quiet in the gulag. I found a good place to hide behind the bread box until She Who Needs To Be Shot With A Tranquilizer Dart started up: “Roxie Dammit!” (Never a good thing when she uses my middle name.) “If you don’t get off that counter right now, you’re toast!”
I thought to myself as I jumped down and bolted to the top of the refrigerator, There’s a whole loaf of bread unopened and she’s going to put me in the toaster? I would think the chubby Widdle Muffin (aka ZuZu), would make a much tastier morsel slathered with butter. If I had opposable thumbs, I’d use a knife to slather her myself!
Just when I thought we were returning to normal, Mom stopped feeding me. I kid you not! One night, at dinner time, she took ZuZu into the laundry room and closed the door. I could hear her putting something into the bowls and then the aroma of Seafood Divine came wafting under the door into the kitchen. I howled and banged against the walls and cupboards. The dynamic duo finally came out and I could smell shrimp on Baby Snookum’s breath as she strolled by. I raced to the bowls and they were empty. Not a morsel left. I was incensed and let everyone know about it for hours.
In the morning, I waited expectantly for breakfast. There was no getting me away from those bowls. Mom came in with the cat carrier and threw a treat inside. I jumped in, not thinking. I was starving. She zipped me in and hauled me off to the Vets.
Now, I’d already had my annual
torture session checkup last month. I remembered it well because I’d wanted to show them how healthy I was. So, I kicked and clawed and yowled and bit and hissed until they got the message. I’m surprised they even let me back in the place so soon.
When they tried to get me out of the carrier this time, I intended to make sure they knew who they were dealing with, but I felt a prick and suddenly everything went hazy. When I woke up, it took me a few minutes to realize where I was and to realize something was just not right. Then it hit me – they’d stolen my teeth. Three of them. Gone! I looked for a phone to call 911 but I heard Dad’s voice and let out a scream. He took me home.
I was still quite groggy for a while and when the stupid little ball of fuzz saw me, she acted like she didn’t even know me. She sniffed my face and hissed. I kid you not – she literally hissed at Me! I wanted to take a chunk out of her nose, but she ran away to hide. I was a bit wobbly. I crawled into the time-out box for a nap.
Saturday, I overheard She Who Starves Her Eldest Child talking to Vivian, a little girl who was visiting. The kid had lost a tooth and was explaining that she put it under her pillow and woke up the next day to find a dollar in its place. From what I could gather, this Tooth Fairy Person shows up in the night, takes your tooth and leaves you cash. You can imagine how cheated I felt when it dawned on me what a racket that Vet has going. Pulling out the teeth of unconscious, helpless animals and keeping them for profit. I thought about showing up at the office and giving her a piece of my mind – but she’d probably cash that in, too!
And the month just kept deteriorating. I got stuck at home once again babysitting while the parents took off to Stockbridge to do some work for the new book – A ZuZu Christmas Story! (Still no Roxie Book on the Horizon. Don’t get me started!)
When they finally arrived home, the boxes started coming up from the cellar. First, the turkeys, soon to be followed by the creepy, faceless angels and the Santas and the nutcrackers and the Nativity Scene. And let’s not forget about the Snowmen – all ready to take up my space for months on end forcing me to plod around aimlessly on the floor like a hapless nomad.
Someone said April is the cruelest month, but November, 2016, goes down in my book as the suckiest month ever. And it’s not over yet! I think I just might hibernate for the rest of the winter. Around here, no one will even notice. See you in the Spring!
Your friend, Roxie D